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English jokes

30. března 2014 v 16:19 | Nikča |  vtipy
Mám tu pro vás pár vtipů, ale tentokrát v angličtině :D vlasně ani nevím proč, ale mám půjčenou knížku z knihovny, plnou anglických vtipů a ještě jsem narazila na super stránky na internetu. Tak schválně, jestli jim budete rozumět a alespoň u některých se zasmějete :D


Woman (in police station): Oh, please, you must help me, I've lost my husband!
Policeman: Can you give us a description of your husband, madam?
Woman: Well, he's one metre forty three tall, he weighs 95 Kg, he has got a big belly, little hair, false teeth,... Oh, forget it.

A gorilla went into a pub and sais to the barman:
"I'd like a int of beer, please."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be ten pounds, please."
The gorilla paid the money and started to drink his beer.
"We don't get many gorillas in here, " said the barman.
"I'm not surprised, " said the gorilla, "if you charge ten pounds a pint."

Cannibal: Mummy, I don't like my little sister.
Mother cannibal: Well, leave her on the side of your plate.

"Hello doctor, was my operation successful?"
"Sorry, mate, my name's Saint Peter."

"Doctor, doctor! Everyone says I tell lies!"
"I don't believe you."

A man had been in prison for twenty years. When he left they gave him his old clothes. In the pocket he found a ticket from a shoe repair shop. Perhaps the shop is still there. Perhaps they still have my old shoes, he thought to himself. So off he went and sure enough that it was there.
"I've been on holiday for a long time, I wonder if you have my shoes?" asked the man.
The old man went into the back of the shop and came back after two minutes.
"They'll be ready on Thursday."

"Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?"
"No, David."

Tak jo, pokračování příště :D
 

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